Series 5 — Episode 7
The Living Dead

Plot summary

Steed’s been tampering with the traffic lights in order to tell Mrs. Peel she’s needed.
The ghost of Rupert, 15th Duke of Benedict, has risen from his coffin and haunts the local church. Kermit the Hermit swears he didn’t see anything by the time they arrive, but he’s been got at by the gamekeeper of the new Duke, Masgard — who doesn’t seem to know any English customs. It transpires the old Duke had escaped from a vast underground city that has been built below a local mine shaft. A foreign army is gathering there, awaiting a nuclear holocaust of Britain. Emma rescues Steed from the execution squad, and the Avengers escape with Rupert and his remaining companions, leaving the villains trapped below.
Mechanic Emma, in a retelling of My Fair Lady, tells Steed he has “ghosts in the engine” of his Bentley.

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Prologue

Inside the Duke of Benedict pub, a local tramp called Kermit (Jack Woolgar) has a last pint then staggers drunkenly out into the churchyard, watched by the publican, Hopper (Jack Watson), and passing the local sexton Olliphant (John Cater) on his way out. Giggling foolishly as he stumbles across the graveyard,¹ Kermit is stunned to see a white figure rise from a tomb and enter the chapel. Olliphant and Hopper hear the chapel bell toll and rush out to find a gibbering Kermit say he saw the dead Duke’s ghost, but the chapel is now empty.

Act 1

Emma Peel (Diana Rigg) stops at the traffic lights, only to find amber reads “MRS. PEEL”. She looks behind her and smirks as John Steed (Patrick Macnee) pulls up in his Bentley, then turns to see the green² reads “WE’RE NEEDED”

At the churchyard, Steed says the ghost was said to be Montague Staplow, sixth Duke of Benedict who died in 1698, and after whom the pub was named. All the Staplows are buried in the graveyard bar Rupert, the fifteenth Duke, who died five years beforehand in a local mine disaster in which 30 visiting experts were trapped underground. They discuss ghosts and likely suspects for a hoax, watched by a sombre man lurking behind a tomb.

Steed departs to visit Kermit, who lives in a hovel above the closed-down mine. He tries to attack Steed then, when asked about the ghost, he stammers drunkenly there never was one:

KERMIT: I didn’t see anything. I’d had too much to drink, when I’ve had too much to drink, I see things, hear things…
STEED: Hear things?

In the chapel, Emma finds what she thinks at first is a dead body lying on the ground, but when she inspects Mandy McKay (Pamela Ann Davy)³ sits up abruptly. She’s an excitable ghost enthusiast from FOG (Friends of Ghosts) and claims to sense ghosts all around. The sombre watcher from the graveyard enters, dismissing her claims as cant and mumbo jumbo — he’s George Spencer (Vernon Dobtcheff) of SMOG (Scientific Measurement of Ghosts), a sceptic who hopes to prove the sighting a hoax. Mrs. Peel is amused by the confrontation between him and Mandy.

SPENCER: There’s a scientific explanation to all hauntings and we find that explanation. We fight legend with logic, folklore with facts… cold, clinical facts… you may rest assured, the dead Duke of Benedict does not walk this area.

Steed enters the Benedict Estate, happily ignoring a large “Keep Out” sign — and is immediately shot at by a gamekeeper called Tom (Alister Williamson). The estate manager Masgard (Julian Glover) is with him and angrily asks Steed whether he saw the notice.

MASGARD: You saw the notice? Back there? “Keep out” You saw it?
STEED: Yes, yes…
MASGARD: Well?
STEED: Beautiful bright paint, excellent lettering, easy to read. I’d have preferred a 4 point Doric⁴ myself but on the whole I’d day, an excellent notice.

Angered by his mischievous levity, Masgard grabs him by the lapels but Steed warns him he is in danger of ruffling his feathers. The current Duke, Geoffrey (Howard Marion Crawford), drives up and Steed takes the opportunity to escape Masgard, asking to speak with the Duke privately.

Back at the churchyard, Spencer has hung microphones, cameras and seismic equipment around the chapel and tells them he’s caught hoaxers and practical jokers but never a real, genuine ghost. Emma smiles and says if one does appear, he can use the sword on the first Duke’s sarcophagus to cut it down to size. Mandy complains they’re both unbelievers, without sympathy they won’t see anything. Spencer agrees with her last point and laments he will be in for a long, cold, fruitless vigil.

EMMA: Do you intend staying here all night?
SPENCER: At least until midnight, (SCOFFING) the witching hour.

Steed meanwhile chats to the Duke, who apologises for Masgard’s roughness, saying he takes his duties too seriously. They share a claret as Steed pokes about photos in the room, avoiding answering the Duke’s questions. Eventually the Duke loses his patience when Steed pokes his head into a sun-tan lounge next door, and Steed has to ask give a reason for being there. He annoys the Duke greatly⁵ by asking for permission to shoot game on the estate. Masgard enters at that point and says that’s impossible because of the high level of poaching and Steed says the visit wasn’t wasted as he at least accessed the Duke’s cellar.

MASGARD: Cellar! D’you mean he’s been down… d’you mean you let him?
GEOFFREY: He’s referring to the wine…
STEED: It’s an old English custom to refer to one’s wine stock as one’s cellar.
(TO GEOFFREY) But perhaps he’s um… he’s unfamiliar with old English customs.

With that musing Steed leaves, passing Tom carrying a huge box of sun tan lotion. At the pub, Steed and Emma meet to compare notes. He tells her about the sun tan lotion and the gamekeepers defending the estate.

EMMA: Isn’t that their job?
STEED: Yes, but not when they shoot at things out of season.
EMMA: What’s out of season now?
STEED: Me!

He then mentions Masgard, and how nervy he was about the wine cellar. They move away from an eavesdropping Olliphant to get her report and Steed is dismayed to learn she discovered nothing from SMOG and FOG. Upon mentioning FOG, Mandy walks in and Emma introduces her to Steed.

Meanwhile Spencer hears a strange noise in the chapel, a metallic tapping coming from the first Duke’s sarcophagus… The bell tolls and everyone rushes across from the pub, only to find Spencer hanging onto the bell rope, run through with the sword from the Duke’s sarcophagus.

Act 2

Back at the pub, Kermit turns up and orders two bottles of his usual — then reconsiders and draws a wad of cash from his pocket and orders two better bottles instead.⁶ Steed follows him out and learns he’s been paid by Masgard to shut up about the ghost.

Next day, Masgard admits it, lying on a suntan table trying to brown his pasty white skin and claiming he was trying to stop ghost-seeking tourists from destroying the estate. Steed leaves the estate but on his way he sees Tom in the grounds, rubbing his face with his hands then, to Steed’s astonishment, getting out a little mirror and applying a tan foundation!⁷

Emma meanwhile joins Mandy in a vigil at the chapel, even though Mandy complains she’s not very much in sympathy.

MANDY: You must promise to do as I say… if the ghost appears…
EMMA: You tackle his legs, I’ll bash him over the head… that is, unless he’s got it tucked underneath his arm.

As they pass on their way to the chapel, Olliphant sticks his head out of the grave he’s digging and shakes his moustached head at them, looking for all the world like a mole.

Steed returns to the pub and asks Hopper about the Duke — the current one has no backbone, but the previous Duke was a champion of the local people and a good miner — he was lost in a pitfall, along with 30 visiting mining experts, and the bodies were never got out; the mine was closed and became their tomb.

Back at the chapel, Emma notices there’s a draught coming from a corner of the chapel. As she walks towards it, the first Duke’s sarcophagus starts to open behind her…

Hopper tells Steed that Masgard wasn’t there when the mine was closed, he’s only been in the village a month despite his over-familiarity with the Duke. He’s just informed Steed that Emma and Mandy are keeping watch at the chapel when the bell suddenly tolls and Mandy runs screaming across the churchyard.

MANDY: The ghost… it took her…. it took Mrs. Peel.

Steed rushes off to find the chapel empty, the bell rope swinging and the sally rising up and down. Hopper enters cautiously behind him, holding his shotgun defensively.

Act 3

At the pub, Mandy is given several glasses of brandy then recalls how there was a bright light and the ghost of the Duke rose up from the tomb and stretched out his transparent arms then moved towards Mrs. Peel.

STEED: And then?
MANDY: And then I ran!
STEED: And Mrs. Peel?
MANDY: Didn’t run.

A sudden thought occurs to her and she beams happily, declaring that she’s seen her first ghost.

The Duke enters, offering overly familiar condolences and the assistance of his men in searching for Mrs. Peel. During the night-time search of the cemetery, Kermit sidles up and conspiratorially whispers to Steed:

KERMIT: They won’t find anything here… it’s the wrong place. They should try the mine, that’s where the others are…
STEED: Others? What others?

Masgard and Tom suddenly loom out of the mist and darkness and Kermit runs away. Steed catches up to him at the mine and Kermit says the Duke and his colleagues didn’t die, they’re still working in the mine — he hears them trying to tunnel out. A shot rings out and Kermit falls dead, and in the silence Steed hears the clink of distant hammers from the mine shaft.

Mrs. Peel comes to in a whitewashed cell, and is astonished when she looks out the barred window to see a modern concrete town outside in full sun, the clock on the wall pointing to 12. At the same time, Steed breaks into the estate — it’s 12 Midnight — and ducks for cover to avoid Tom before making his way to the cellar. Amongst the dusty relics he finds piles of boxes of sun tan lotion and a pair of canaries in a cage,⁸ A sudden electric whirr causes Steed to hide and then a man in a gas mask emerges from a door hidden in a stone wall; Steed clobbers him with his umbrella as he passes by.

Steed rips off his mask and helmet, revealing him to also have pale white skin covered in tan makeup but before Steed can investigate further, Masgard and the Duke enter. They are arguing about the Duke’s feigned assistance is searching for Mrs. Peel and Masgard threatens to send the Duke underground for a while.

Steed quickly takes the worker’s coat and mask and grabs a box to hide behind, then brazens it out and passes them carrying it. After he leaves, the Duke panics when he finds the unconscious worker.

GEOFFREY: What do we do now?
MASGARD: You will come to learn, we never panic. There is a solution to every problem.

Steed rushes to the pub, looking for someone who can take him down the mine, and is elated to learn that Hopper is an old miner — but he refuses to enter the mine, then offers to send Steed down in the cage but stay up top. Mandy has overheard and insists on coming with them, batting her eyelids to weaken Steed’s resolve.

STEED: Now look here, Miss McKay, if you think you can make me change my… That you can twist me round your um… by rolling those beautiful blue eyes of yours.
MANDY: They’re grey actually.
STEED: So they are! They’re soft grey and I love the way… NO, NO, NO!

A short time later, Mandy leads them through the woods to the mine where Hopper goes to man the cage.

Emma meanwhile is doing a handstand to keep limber. Hearing marching outside, she looks out to see a firing squad led by Olliphant execute a miner while Steed and Mandy are descending to the mine. Up above, Masgard and Tom have knocked out Hopper and cut the lift cables after learning that Steed and Mandy are down there. Mandy is suggesting they give up when Steed’s umbrella goes straight through a supposedly solid rock fall. He opens a hidden door into the subterranean city, seeing Rupert, the Fifteenth Duke (Edward Underdown) being led away by some guards. As he turns, Mandy pulls a pistol on Steed.

MANDY: That’s right Steed… Rupert. The Fifteenth Duke of Benedict… I had hoped you wouldn’t get this far, but you have and now you must stay…

Act 4

Rupert delivers Emma’s breakfast, telling her only five of his companions still live and they’d been held down there to build the town. When Mrs. Peel looks confused he explains they are a mile and a half underground. Masgard enters and reveals his country’s plan to house an army of 20,000 men — not yet arrived — in the town, the mine disaster was faked so they could use the experts to help build their secret city.

MASGARD: My country plans ahead and one day — soon — we will decimate your country, up there… but down here we will escape the effects of the radiation, and one day our army will move; it will rise up into the cold, fresh air, and Britain will be ours. But that is the future, we still have a few problems of the present to take care of.

Outside, they see Steed being led to execution by a nervous Olliphant, who is struck by Steed’s calmness.

OLLIPHANT: It’s customary to ask, do you have any last request before you…
STEED: Yes, would you cancel my milk.
OLLIPHANT: Last cigarette?
STEED: Err — no, thank you.
OLLIPHANT (NERVOUSLY): No, no, d’you mind if I do?⁹
STEED: Not at all.
(OLLIPHANT FUMBLES FOR A LIGHTER, STEED LIGHTS IT FOR HIM)
STEED: It’s important to do these things well.

Emma suddenly overpowers Masgard, then Tom after finally finding the right key for the door, and rushes off to save Steed, encountering Mandy on the way and defeating her in unarmed combat. She arrives in the nick of time, killing Olliphant and the firing squad with Mandy’s MP40 submachine gun just as he sticks his fingers in his ears and yells “FIRE!”. She removes Steed’s blindfold and is rewarded with a kiss on each cheek¹⁰ and a mention in Steed’s will.

Rupert and his colleagues appear, bearing a coffin intended for Steed, and show them the way to the only remaining operational exit from the mine, which they sabotage once back on top. Mandy and Masgard call out the guard¹¹ after finding the dead squad, but they’re too late to prevent our heroes escaping and Masgard realises he’s trapped his own army in the mine by cutting the main shaft cables. In the graveyard, Geoffrey faints dead away when Rupert suddenly rises from one of the tombs.

Epilogue

In Steed’s garage, a cockney mechanic is trying to fix “ghosts in the engine” of Steed’s Bentley — it’s Emma in a scene from a Modern Pygmalion; they swear pax and sip some champagne.

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1. The pub is a great set but the other sets, including the in-studio exteriors of this episode, have a deliberate artificiality; you’re watching a play. ⭮
2. It’s actually blue, but I don’t know why. ⭮
3. Obviously a long time fan of the show, she’s wearing one of Emma’s old leather jackets from The Cybernauts and had played a murder victim in Mission to Montreal. Pamela is Australian but is putting on a very proper upper class English accent. ⭮
4. i.e. tiny text he could easily overlook. ⭮
5. Allowing Howard Marion Crawford to let off one of his trademark roars. ⭮
6. He’s gone from an unreadable French red and an “El Vino Dry Fino Sherry” to a bottle of “Sibon” and a “Grace Empire Tawny Wine”, presumably all prop bottles. ⭮
7. Clearly, neither of the supposedly outdoorsy gamekeepers have been outside very much… ⭮
8. Traditionally used in coal mines to detect poisonous level of gas. ⭮
9. Smoking here is shown to be a sign of weakness. ⭮
10. Quite chaste but nonetheless suggestive of a close relationship. ⭮
11. The guards are Olliphant’s firing squad, mysteriously resurrected and joined by five other extras in the same uniform. ⭮