Series 5 — Episode 13
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Station

Plot summary

Emma finds a toy train in her living room — a summons from Steed.
They’re needed to meet an agent who’s discovered foul things afoot on the trains, and it’s not the food for a change. When the agent fails to show, and Steed discovers his briefcase, they investigate the disused station of Norborough. Dissidents are passing on information through the ticket inspector on the train, one of them being Salt, a clerk in the Admiralty. They plot to explode a bomb under the Prime Minister remotely, as they pass by on another train. As the minutes tick towards 8.57pm, Emma and Crewe, the owner of Chase Halt station, tackle the train’s unfriendly passengers and staff. Steed gets the enemy all steamed up, and they’re dispatched in the fog..
The Avengers, having discovered neither of them actually voted for him, avoid the Prime Minister’s long speech of thanks by pretending they’re out.

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Prologue

British Secret Agent Lucas (Michael Nightingale), dresssed as a dapper City gent, is chased through a rail yard by Bart (John Doye) and another man, pistols drawn. He hides in a carriage and throttles one of his pursuers with his tie before making his escape.¹

Act 1

Emma Peel (Diana Rigg) finds a toy train on her coffee table, carrying a card inscribed ‘MRS PEEL’ — a summons from John Steed (Patrick Macnee), who appears and says, “We’re needed”. She flips his nose with the card, and they travel to Norborough Junction, where Steed has arranged to meet Lucas.

EMMA (ANNOYED): Well? … drag a girl away from her fireside, it must be important.
STEED: I agree, and a feller from his electric blanket …
EMMA: And you’ve no idea why he wanted you to meet his train?
STEED: No, but dear, fat, pompous Lucas isn’t given to exaggerating.²

Lucas is in trouble on the train though — seeing the ticket collector talking to Bart he ducks into a compartment, only to find it occupied by a newly-married bride (Isla Blair) and groom (Drewe Henley). He apologises and leaves the compartment then hides his briefcase in the baggage van.³ Lucas disembarks when the collector announces Norborough, but he finds the station is disused and deserted.⁴ He notices the sign has been coveredwith a fake one and learns he’s alighted at Chase Halt, then the groom emerges from a waiting room and shoots him in the back.⁵

The train arrives at Norborough, where Steed and Emma get on board when Lucas doesn’t appear. They split up to search the train and, Emma passes the compartment with the bride, who is now with Bart. Steed finds the briefcase in a sarcophagus in the luggage car⁶ while Emma arrives at the restaurant car and asks the steward (Peter J. Elliott) if he has seen Lucas. The steward calls the ticket collector (James Hayter) over and she claims Lucas said he was in trouble and borrowed £5 from her, at which the inspector suggests Lucas gave her the slip at Norborough.

She and Steed meet up and Steed shows her the briefcase, explaining that an agent always leaves something identifiable behind when on the run. The steward passes down the corridor, announcing King’s Cross and presents Mrs. Peel with a £5 note.

ATTENDANT: Excuse me madam. The gentleman asked me to give you your £5 note… Said to apologise for the inconvenience he caused you.
EMMA smiles and takes the note, then fans herself with it as she moves away with STEED.
EMMA: I must try that more often.

The bride notices that Steed has Lucas’ case as he presses against the glass of the compartment windows to avoid other passengers. She sends Bart in pursuit, who checks his gun and gives her a grim nod before slipping out.

Act 2

They open the case at Steed’s flat, and find a piece of notepaper marked ‘4. 7. 67.’, a wallet with a picture of Lucas’ ‘Aunt Maud’ (actually a secure information pouch),⁷ and a photograph of Edward Salt, secretary to Admiral Cartney — whom Emma recognises as having been on the train last night.

She visits the Admiral, posing as a journalist, and her interview interrupts Edward Salt (Tim Barrett) who is photographing secret documents. She asks Admiral Cartney (Richard Caldicott) about his new position — head of security for VIP travel — and she notices when Salt drops his minicamera.

Bart meanwhile arrives at Steed’s, but is killed by his own gun when Steed slams the door in his face. He’s going through Bart’s wallet when Emma arrives, nearly tripping over the body.

EMMA: Steed? — whoops! You really must have a word with that cleaning lady of yours!

Steed explains that Lucas was onto a plot by a radical splinter group to kill a VIP and she recognises Bart as having been with the bride on the train.

EMMA: Killjoy. You’ve just ruined the honeymoon.
STEED: What?
EMMA: This man was on the train, accompanied by a blushing bride.

Steed finds a ticket to Chase Halt in Bart’s wallet and is instantly suspicious — it’s three stops from Norborough but hasn’t been used in years. They visit the station⁸ where Steed informs Emma that Lucas had been tracking down the splinter group but every time he beamed in on their radio transmissions they moved their base. Emma discovers Lucas’ body in a trunk just as the station’s soon-to-be owner, a railway fanatic called Crewe (John Laurie), arrives, accusing them of trespassing. Crewe lives in the signal box, but can tell them nothing of last night’s events as he’d been lured away on a wild goose chase.

CREWE: I had a phone call from a dealer with an 1892 water cistern, Jubilee Celebration issue, mint condition. When I got there it was a practical joke. Final insult, I missed the last train and had to take a bus — a bus!

Steed spots some signs reading ‘Norborough’ and Crewe tells them he found them in the ladies’ waiting room. He explains the station is identical in design to Norborough, a Scott Simon design that was used across the country⁹ but can tell them nothing about 4.7.67 and abruptly leaves. Steed and Emma wonder about two Norboroughs, and if the agitators were using derelict stations as their bases. They decide to get Lucas removed discreetly, and to feed Salt some false information to see what happens.

The Admiral is duly told the entire general staff will be using HMS Pyrocanthus to tour the enemy’s offshore installations, and Salt snaps a photo of the communiqué. That evening, Salt takes the 8:10 to Liverpool and Steed shares his compartment, having arranged to meet Mrs. Peel at Norborough. Steed’s umbrella contains a dictaphone and he records a brief memo about Salt not doing anything suspicious after following him to the restaurant car and back. He sits in Salt’s seat, then relinquishes it when Salt asks to sit facing the engine, and Steed sees that it’s seat number is 4|7|67!

The bride, however, has recognised Steed and the groom warns the ticket collector that the man in Salt’s compartment is dangerous. The ticket collector decides to alert Salt; a short time later a strange look comes over Salt’s face as strange clunks come from the train wheels, then Steed finds himself look at the barrel of Salt’s gun and he’s warned not to move.

Emma joins the train when Steed fails to disembark at Norborough and she spots his umbrella, left behind in the luggage rack…

Act 3

When the train arrives at the terminus, Emma waits for Salt to leave the compartment then grabs Steed’s umbrella from the rack. She ducks back the other way to avoid Salt and the Ticket Collector who goes straight to the bridal compartment.

TICKET INSPECTOR: Salt’s just leaving.
GROOM: Good.
TICKET INSPECTOR: Bad. His latest information was false from beginning to end — not a word of truth in it.
BRIDE: Oh dear…
TICKET INSPECTOR: He’ll be going back to his office some time tonight.
GROOM grins evilly.¹⁰

Mrs. Peel meanwhile enters Steed’s flat and is concerned he isn’t there. She discovers the tape recording when she leans on umbrella and plays it back then calls the Admiral. Meanwhile the groom gets to Salt first and tells him he’s under suspicion and it’s too close the big day, then shoots him in the back.

Emma and the Admiral enter the office to ‘the smell of grapeshot’ and find a packet of used return tickets to Norborough in the desk, the ticket punch being about the size of a microdot!¹¹

EMMA: Makes sense… Salt fills in the O with a micro-dot…
ADMIRAL: Ticket Collector punches it out again…
EMMA: And bingo! The message is passed on.
ADMIRAL: To a Ticket Collector???

Back on the train, the bride is lying on the bench seat,¹²fitting a bomb under seat 4|7|67. The groom is nervous about the bomb going off but the bride and Ticket Inspector reassure him¹³ — it’s radio controlled and will be detonated remotely from another train, the carriage already earmarked for the VIP.¹⁴

Emma returns to Chase Halt to visit Crewe, and quickly checks to make sure Steed’s not in the trunk. She encounters Special Branch agent George Warren (Dyson Lovell) who’s doing a security check of the line. Crewe invites them back to his signal box but is bamboozled when Mrs. Peel says she wants him to listen to an umbrella.

On the train, the ticket inspector had learnt that Special Branch are checking the line and they realise Lucas will be found at Chase Halt. The groom pulls out a Tommy Gun and prepares for an unscheduled stop…

Crewe says the umbrella recording of train noises isn’t a train at all as there are two sets of “diddly dums” at once. Warren recognises it as the Mark V Tapping Code — a sort of shorthand morse code invented in Prisoner of War camps. He asks Emma to repeat the message, which she recites as she plays it.

EMMA: Diddly dah, diddly dum, twiddly dum. Twiddly, twiddly, twiddly dah. Blinkety blink, blinkety blink. Chaddley dum, chaddley dah; boopety boop.¹⁵

Warren deciphers this as ‘Durbridge’, a nearby station, and Mrs. Peel wonders if he’s learnt this means someone important — the Prime Minister? — is travelling on the line. Before Warren can explain, the groom, having found Lucas missing from the trunk, shoots at the signal box with the tommy gun, smashing windows and destroying ornaments as well as hitting Warren who gasps, “You were right” before he dies.

EMMA: Right about what?
CREWE: The Prime Minister, he’ll be on this line —
EMMA: When?
CREWE: Tonight!

Act 4

The PM’s personal secretary (Noel Davis) inspects the carriage, worrying the steward and ticket collector when he bounces vigorously on the seat. He wants the PM to thank them personally but is told they’ll be on their regular train, which will pass his at 8:57.

Emma and Crewe board the 8:10 and she enters the bride’s compartment, telling Crewe to follow the ticket collector. He does so, hilariously sitting in a little old lady’s lap at one point to avoid being spotted, and trails him to the restaurant car. Inside, the collector tells Steed, chained to a steam pipe in their HQ in the kitchen, his plans.

TICKET COLLECTOR: We… I … am going to blow up your Prime Minister.
STEED: Oh…. How do you know which way I voted?

Emma meanwhile reads the evening paper, and has her attention drawn to the headline article about the PM returning to Downing Street by the bride smiling to herself about it. As they talk about it, the steward passes by and notices Mrs. Peel in the compartment.

The ticket collector meanwhile is explaining that the bomb will go off after the trains pass at Durbridge Junction, illustrated by a train set governed by a blonde attendant, Frances (Tamsin Millard), and the mute henchman Georgie, the bomb controlled by a big red button.

Crewe hears the steward use a ‘shave-and-a-haircut’ knock to enter the restaurant car, and the ticket collector is warned that Emma is in the bride’s compartment. Steed is a bit alarmed when he signals the message “Kill the woman” but Emma has heard the taps and jumps the bride when she tries to close the corridor blinds.¹⁶

Crewe finds Mrs. Peel just after she’s defeated the bride and explains the ‘secret’ knock for the restaurant car. They use it but the groom is too wary and pulls a pistol then orders Mrs. Peel to jump from the train. They fight and she’s about to be flung out the door when Crewe comes to her aid, the groom falling to his death.

They enter the restaurant car and defeat the steward and Frances after a prolonged fight. Entering the control room, they’re confronted by Georgie’s gun but Steed saves them by breaking the steam pipe and a fight breaks out in the fog, the villains being vanquished.

The PM’s train passes and the ticket collector makes a sobbing little sigh — then Emma accidentally leans against the button! Fortunately, Steed had already disconnected the wires. Crewe excitedly pulls the communication chord to stop the train (“Something I’ve wanted to do all my life!”), but he pulls more and more chord out, to no effect which sets them all laughing.

Epilogue

The Avengers await a visit from the Prime Minister —

STEED: Oh well, it’ll be an OBE for me!
EMMA: Sir John Steed.
STEED: Dame Emma! … Of course, you know what this means…
EMMA: Uh huh. He’s going to make a speech.
STEED: A long speech.

Having realised neither of them actually voted for him, they decide to avoid the Prime Minister’s long, boring speech of thanks by pretending they’re out.

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1. The original script has Lucas then call Steed, telling him to meet him at Norborough, and Salt listens in to the phone booth by pressing his hearing aid against the glass. ⭮
2. This exceptionally wordy scene has been greatly cut down and is missing Stee’d explanation of Lucas’ call, Emma’s disapporval of electric blankets, and Steed old-fashioned description of Lucas: “Brilliant linguist. Bounced around the Empire. Each time the Union Jack came down, so he was the last aboard the gunboat.” The lines were thankfully cut from the final episode. ⭮
3. The original script is inconsistent — scene 13C has Lucas stash it under a random seat, then Steed finds it in scene 31A in an Egyptian sarcophagus (which is kept but barely seen in the final episode). Stranger still, the original scene 31A had Steed find it in the presence of the ticket collector, despite him being in the dining car with Mrs. Peel moments earlier, and it ruins the villains’ startled discovery that Steed has the briefcase a short time later. ⭮
4. The notes for scene 16 in the script specify that this station is supposed to be identical to Norborough (seen in scene 5, when Emma and Steed were on the platform), except derelict. The buildings are the same pre-fab set panels, but Norborough is a much bigger junction station so I can’t really see how Lucas was fooled. ⭮
5. The original script has the groom stick his gun into Lucas’ back, making him raise his hands, but the final footage is edited more snappily, with the sound effect of gun shots being played as we see an extreme close-up of the groom, you barely see the pistol in his hand. This version of the script has Lucas discovered at home with a forged typewritten suicide note. ⭮
6. The script makes a point of this but the director wasn’t impresssed, we barely see it. ⭮
7. MAUD stands for Microfilm And Undeciphered Documents. ⭮
8. As mentioned, the building are very similar, but all rundown, the platform strewn with leaves and rubbish and abandoned luggage, and the backdrop is a clearly artificial country scene, in start contrast to the realistic dark night background previously, in that quintessential Avengers set-within-a-set aesthetic. ⭮
9. This is true in a metafictional way, as the prefabricated walls and windows of the station set were also used other productions such as the later BBC comedy series The Goodies. ⭮
10. The shooting script had the groom say the rather odd line “Then indeed I will deal with him there.” which was thankfully cut. The draft script doesn’t even have Steed captured so it’s Sted and Emma who enter and find Salt dead. ⭮
11. The shooting script at this point has the Admiral saying lots of cliches like Blistering Barnacles!” but his lines are thankfully toned down. ⭮
12. This results in a sexist lingering shot up her body, and the Ticket Collector then says “What a beautiful sight!” — this is not in the shooting script and must have been added at the last minute. ⭮
13. In the shooting script it’s the ticket inspector who is nervous. ⭮
14. To maintain suspense, a passing train drowns out the VIP’s identity when the bride says who it is. ⭮
15. Diana Rigg delivers this deliciously dead pan as John Laurie pulls comedic reaction faces. ⭮
16. The shooting script had the fight watched by Steed and the ticket collector on a television monitor but it was thankfully removed from the final episode. ⭮